It’s summer, let us switch it up a bit and talk about Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity. This is a book that everyone should get their hands on, whether you’ve been in a relationship or not. This book explores the challenges couples face in maintaining sexual passion within long-term relationships. Sexual passion once met becomes difficult to achieve the same feeling as before with a long-term partner. The book argues that our modern world, characterised by increased stress and dismantled traditional structures, creates a conflict between the need for security and intimacy in love and the desire for novelty and mystery that fuels passion. One killer of desire comes unknowingly where it is replaced by ‘mothering’ or ‘fathering’ your partner.

Perel points out that our current contemporary life is often marked by stress and tension everywhere in our lives, which can undermine the fulfilment of intimate connections and lead to professional help or even separation or divorce in some cases. She asks herself and the reader if it is possible to maintain desire for what one already possesses and emphasises the distinction between sexuality and emotional intimacy. Why do we not desire what we have? Is it human to chase the next thing? The longing for connection, playfulness, and renewal that sex provides is noted as a crucial aspect of desire. Can we have novelty in patterns?

Perel goes on to state that the initial excitement in our human relationships is attributed to the uncertainty and insecurity of not fully understanding one’s partner’s feelings. Sht then further reflects on the changing dynamics of traditional institutions, suggesting that their dismantling has left individuals with more choices but also a sense of increased loneliness and existential anxiety. This led me to ask myself if this is the reason why I am always chasing the next new thing. Is this why the human race is not content with what we have in this new age?

Perel holds that desire is hindered by concerns and anxieties, emphasising the contrast between love, which is about having whereas desire, which is about wanting. She notes how intimacy becomes more valued and recognized as a necessity when it becomes harder to achieve. 

Perel puts forward that at the point when pretty much nothing remains to be covered up, nothing remains to be looked for, hinting at the importance of mystery and independence in sustaining desire. Additionally, Perel recognizes the defects intrinsic to sexual joy and the role of vanity as a protection component.

Perel also takes the reader through the complex emotions within relationships, highlighting the paradoxical coexistence of love and disdain. Finally, Perel offers insights into navigating the challenges of maintaining desire and intimacy in long-term relationships, appreciating the inherent tensions and suggesting ways to address them.

Fundamentally, this thought-provoking and mind-piercing book offers an exploration of the intricacies of modern relationships, encouraging perusers to rethink customary thoughts of intimacy and desire in the pursuit of more fulfilling connections. Hence, by finding a balance between security and novelty long-term relationships can develop a satisfying and more fulfilling and enduring lustful life.